Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Biggest SONGS of 2010

First of all, thank goodness that Christmas is over. If I heard one more ghetto version of the “12 Days of Christmas,” I think I would have been likely to punt a small child. Seriously? Does the world even need “12 Days of Christmas?” Nobody knows the words anyway. I REALLY don’t think we need adaptations for an unknown song for every single department store, sports tournament, or new technology device. Advertising agencies and companies need to calm down with that crap-tastic song.
But anyway… I left my new, huge TV (that Santa brought me) on the E! channel after Chelsea Lately today (LOVE that show), and E! News came on afterwards. Needless to say, I think my IQ went down when I was watching it. I mean, come on, Ryan Seacrest is the host.

They did the “Biggest Songs of 2010” segment tonight. They probably should have just renamed it the “Some of the Crappiest Songs of 2010.” Gosh… Here’s the list:

1. “California Girls” by Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg

Okay… WHY? Has anyone seen this video or even heard that song? It’s like Candy Land threw up everywhere. I can accept that part… I like Candy Land. What I can’t accept is her cupcake bra that shoots white stuff out of it. Ew. That’s not cute even on another planet. Put some clothes on, Katy Perry. Also, please stop doing those stupid ProActiv commercials.

“I love being a free spirit- onstage and off.” THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE. Calm down, you don’t even have acne! And that “before” picture, yeah… Shut up. You had like ONE zit. Get a grip. And let’s please talk about Snoop Dogg’s downfall for a minute. Snoop, why are you doing a song with Katy Perry? Especially one that’s videoed on top of Sugar Cane Mountain… I really wish that I could go on the “rainbow bridge” and skip this crappy song. And Snoop Dogg, you’ve officially lost all your street cred. I wouldn’t be scared of you if I met you in a dark alley. I used to, but not anymore, son. You did the Macarena with gummy bears and a pimp cane. SHAME.

2. “Love the Way You Lie” by Eminem and Rhianna

Shoot me, I like this song. I like Eminem and his trailer park ways.


3. “Nothing on You” by Bruno Mars

I don’t think I’ve ever heard this song. But judging by the other songs on this list, it’s probably bad.

4. “Airplanes” by B.o.B. and Hayley Williams

Oh Lord, I HATE this song. This song made all the 12 year old girls on my Facebook feed think that they were emo. I saw TOO MANY statuses about wishing that airplanes were stars or something… and how they could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right no-ow. That’s just stupid. Get over yourselves, people. Being emo is SO 2008… And Hayley Williams? The cute gap-toothed redhead from Paramore? Dang, I liked her until this song came out. She’s too talented to be singing on songs with some dude named Bob who confuses airplanes with stars. I think my IQ just dropped again.

5. “Need You Now” by Lady Antebellum

I almost won tickets to this show when they came to the Convo at ASU when I was at the Career Fair this year. I just entered because my friend was registering people for the tickets. The girl that registered right before me won the tickets. I’m glad I didn’t win… This is a booty call song. Let’s face it, this girl is singing about a booty call. She’s drunk, and she “needs you now.” I mean, I can accept that, you just have to call it like it is. Don’t try to cover it up. Apparently a lot of people have booty calls, or this song wouldn’t be one of the “biggest” of the year. I mean, it can’t be because this song is good. It’s just popular because sadly, people relate to this skankiness. Is that a word? Who cares, I just made it one.

6. “Mine” by Taylor Swift

I want to hate Taylor Swift, I really do. I don’t hate her, though. I DO, however, hate this stupid song. This song reminds me of bubble gum and cotton candy. It’s just so darn sweet. I bet you could tell that I don’t do “sweet.” Suck it… “sweet” gives you cavities. I want Taylor Swift to do a mean song. I want her to get real, and start calling everybody out. Quit taking the high road, girl. Call out the Jonas brother BY NAME. We don’t want to have to dissect your songs. Make it obvious for us. We’re all stupid from listening to this other stuff on the radio right now.

7. “F*** You” by Cee Lo Green

I agree with this. I laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME I hear this song. It’s funny, and not in the “haha-this-is-so-bad” kind of way.

8. “Tik Tok” by kesha

Again, I’m not even taking that extra keystroke for her dumb dollar sign OR the capital letter at the beginning of her name. She doesn’t deserve that kind of respect. I really want to know why people bought this song, and then actually listened to it. This girl is stupid! Why is she famous? She needs to calm down. Does anybody remember that live performance she did on SNL where she wore that weird body suit? Everybody had this reaction:

I, too, have this reaction every time I see or hear her dumb tail.

But I guess I can try to let this list slide. I mean, it’s been a terrible year for everyone… Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan...


2011, we’re counting on you! Please don’t suck so bad.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

2010, the year of our Lord.

To put it nicely, the year 2010 SUCKED. I, personally, haven’t had a year this crappy since the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers got cancelled in 1995. But enough about me and my sad life… Since I’m in such a GREAT mood, let’s look at some of the GREAT music that came out this year, shall we? (Please note: sarcasm).

Crappiest Albums of the Year:

Oh, Amy Grant… I used to love this woman. Seriously, I loved her… up until she cheated on her husband. The song “Baby, Baby” is still one of my all time favorites. However, she put out a new album this year called Somewhere Down the Road, and I will not be wearing out any of those songs like I did back in the day. What’s that I smell, Amy Grant? Retirement? I think so. I think that retirement is the only thing that you can see “Somewhere Down the Road.” This is how I remember her:

3OH!3 is just a bunch of tools. Judging by that jacked up hand symbol that they use for themselves, I think it’s pretty obvious that everything that they will ever put out is going to be terrible.

But, let’s dive into this one too. One of the singles from the album Streets of Gold is called “Touchin’ on My.” …Really?! These guys need to stop. Don’t they know that their audience is going to be primarily little girls who think they’re cute? I don’t think they need a step-by-step instruction manual on sex education. These guys are nasty. I really hope that parents have enough sense to not let their children listen to this horrid music.

Once again, every time I see Drake, I see Jimmy in the wheelchair from Degrassi. I do NOT see a music artist. I’ve only heard one song from this album, Thank Me Later, and it’s the really obnoxious one called “Find Your Love.” I don’t want to hear the rest of the album if it’s going to sound like this song. That’s right, I judged this album before giving it a full chance. I just couldn’t take one more line of “I betta find yo lovin’/I betta find yo heart.”

Let’s also just include every album that’s represented in NOW That’s What I Call Music: Volume 36. This includes Katy Perry, Sugarland, Adam Lambert, and Daughtry. They’re all pretty terrible. (Note: I do not include Sara Bareilles or Maroon 5 in this. I like them- I don’t LOVE them, but they’re not completely rotten.)

Miley Cyrus, on the other hand, is completely rotten… Spoiled rotten, that is. Can’t Be Tamed came out this summer along with the title track and a really weird video. I didn’t even think the video for that song was as scandalous as the media made it out to be, I just thought it was weird… Like MGMT weird. And if you’ve ever seen an MGMT video, you know what I’m talking about. What is she? A sexy bird? Birds aren’t sexy. Birds are nasty, and they use the bathroom wherever they feel like it, and it’s usually on an innocent passerby or ancient statue. Birds are rude. I’ve also never thought of “taming” a bird. I guess that doesn’t really matter because Miley Cyrus is a bird, and she can’t be tamed. That’s what I got from this song. It’s really bad, you guys. Her cover of Poison’s overplayed song “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” is really bad, too. Do yourself a favor, and just don’t listen to her music unless she’s wearing a blonde wig and answers to the name “Hannah Montana.” Life is better that way… because nobody’s perfect. Sorry, I had to.

Lastly, I’ve ranted about Kesha before, and I’ll rant about her again. I don’t even want to put the dollar sign in her name because I feel like she isn’t even worth the extra keystroke it takes to put it in there. I think she really just made me angry whenever she said that one of her influences was Bob Dylan. She wins the crappiest album of the year for her album, Animal, for obvious reasons:
1.) She wrote this lyric: “I’m talking about - everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys trying to touch my junk, junk”
2.) She has a song with 3Oh!3… and it’s called “Blah Blah Blah.” Enough said.
3.) In the previously mentioned song, she wrote this lyric: “Wanna put a little love in my glovebox.”
4.) She feels like P. Diddy when she wakes up in the morning, then BRUSHES HER TEETH WITH WHISKEY. If I felt like P. Diddy in the morning, I would not be brushing my teeth with whiskey. I’d totally be brushing my teeth with toothpaste… You know, like NORMAL people.
5.) She’s dirty… I feel like Kesha would stink. She’s always talking about her nasty ways, and in “Take it Off,” she even says that she’s dirty. I don’t mean ‘dirty’ in a sexy way, either. I mean it in a she-needs-to-take-a-bath kind of way.


Anyway, I feel like I’ve gotten dumber since I started talking about these people, so there were better albums than this that were released this year.

Contra- Vampire Weekend

Brothers- The Black Keys

Suburbs- Arcade Fire

Infinite Arms- Band of Horses

This is Happening- LCD Soundsystem

Halcyon Digest- Deerhunter

Together- The New Pornographers

…and so many more! These were just the first ones that came to mind. Check them out. What were your favorite albums of the year? Which terrible albums did I leave out that should have been included?