Biggest SONGS of 2010

First of all, thank goodness that Christmas is over. If I heard one more ghetto version of the “12 Days of Christmas,” I think I would have been likely to punt a small child. Seriously? Does the world even need “12 Days of Christmas?” Nobody knows the words anyway. I REALLY don’t think we need adaptations for an unknown song for every single department store, sports tournament, or new technology device. Advertising agencies and companies need to calm down with that crap-tastic song.
But anyway… I left my new, huge TV (that Santa brought me) on the E! channel after Chelsea Lately today (LOVE that show), and E! News came on afterwards. Needless to say, I think my IQ went down when I was watching it. I mean, come on, Ryan Seacrest is the host.



They did the “Biggest Songs of 2010” segment tonight. They probably should have just renamed it the “Some of the Crappiest Songs of 2010.” Gosh… Here’s the list:


1. “California Girls” by Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg

Okay… WHY? Has anyone seen this video or even heard that song? It’s like Candy Land threw up everywhere. I can accept that part… I like Candy Land. What I can’t accept is her cupcake bra that shoots white stuff out of it. Ew. That’s not cute even on another planet. Put some clothes on, Katy Perry. Also, please stop doing those stupid ProActiv commercials.



“I love being a free spirit- onstage and off.” THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE. Calm down, you don’t even have acne! And that “before” picture, yeah… Shut up. You had like ONE zit. Get a grip. And let’s please talk about Snoop Dogg’s downfall for a minute. Snoop, why are you doing a song with Katy Perry? Especially one that’s videoed on top of Sugar Cane Mountain… I really wish that I could go on the “rainbow bridge” and skip this crappy song. And Snoop Dogg, you’ve officially lost all your street cred. I wouldn’t be scared of you if I met you in a dark alley. I used to, but not anymore, son. You did the Macarena with gummy bears and a pimp cane. SHAME.



2. “Love the Way You Lie” by Eminem and Rhianna

Shoot me, I like this song. I like Eminem and his trailer park ways.



NEXT!



3. “Nothing on You” by Bruno Mars

I don’t think I’ve ever heard this song. But judging by the other songs on this list, it’s probably bad.



4. “Airplanes” by B.o.B. and Hayley Williams

Oh Lord, I HATE this song. This song made all the 12 year old girls on my Facebook feed think that they were emo. I saw TOO MANY statuses about wishing that airplanes were stars or something… and how they could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right no-ow. That’s just stupid. Get over yourselves, people. Being emo is SO 2008… And Hayley Williams? The cute gap-toothed redhead from Paramore? Dang, I liked her until this song came out. She’s too talented to be singing on songs with some dude named Bob who confuses airplanes with stars. I think my IQ just dropped again.




5. “Need You Now” by Lady Antebellum

I almost won tickets to this show when they came to the Convo at ASU when I was at the Career Fair this year. I just entered because my friend was registering people for the tickets. The girl that registered right before me won the tickets. I’m glad I didn’t win… This is a booty call song. Let’s face it, this girl is singing about a booty call. She’s drunk, and she “needs you now.” I mean, I can accept that, you just have to call it like it is. Don’t try to cover it up. Apparently a lot of people have booty calls, or this song wouldn’t be one of the “biggest” of the year. I mean, it can’t be because this song is good. It’s just popular because sadly, people relate to this skankiness. Is that a word? Who cares, I just made it one.




6. “Mine” by Taylor Swift

I want to hate Taylor Swift, I really do. I don’t hate her, though. I DO, however, hate this stupid song. This song reminds me of bubble gum and cotton candy. It’s just so darn sweet. I bet you could tell that I don’t do “sweet.” Suck it… “sweet” gives you cavities. I want Taylor Swift to do a mean song. I want her to get real, and start calling everybody out. Quit taking the high road, girl. Call out the Jonas brother BY NAME. We don’t want to have to dissect your songs. Make it obvious for us. We’re all stupid from listening to this other stuff on the radio right now.





7. “F*** You” by Cee Lo Green

I agree with this. I laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME I hear this song. It’s funny, and not in the “haha-this-is-so-bad” kind of way.




8. “Tik Tok” by kesha

Again, I’m not even taking that extra keystroke for her dumb dollar sign OR the capital letter at the beginning of her name. She doesn’t deserve that kind of respect. I really want to know why people bought this song, and then actually listened to it. This girl is stupid! Why is she famous? She needs to calm down. Does anybody remember that live performance she did on SNL where she wore that weird body suit? Everybody had this reaction:


I, too, have this reaction every time I see or hear her dumb tail.



But I guess I can try to let this list slide. I mean, it’s been a terrible year for everyone… Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan...


… EVERYONE.

2011, we’re counting on you! Please don’t suck so bad.